Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
cats when you pet them too long:
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall