“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
We need more people like this.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.