Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
You Might Also Like
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
bury ourselves
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.