me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.