[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
How it started: How it’s going:
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
wow
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.