Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
You Might Also Like
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]