I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.