[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
You Might Also Like
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Investing in beetcoin
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Digital security in Ancient Troy
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Golf would be better with landmines.