Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
You Might Also Like
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I’ve been drinking.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.