HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
i could never be president. im overqualified.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Milk Cube
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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