Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Well, this explains it:
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry