Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*