I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Fluff me with a fork baby
anyone else like Italian cereal
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
This will never not be funny to me.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I love art.