Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I would move hell over six inches for you
Wake me when AI does housework
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
WTF IS THAT!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.