If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Best table by far
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.