I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Lol
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I got bills
They’re multiplying