Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.