I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”