wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.