Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”