I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*