*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Phonetics
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]