Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you