I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
so this horse walks into a bar
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community