Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.