Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
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“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
(Musicians.)
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.