If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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can’t believe I got front row seats
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good