My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
lmfao come on
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate