I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
You Might Also Like
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
How did we not see this back then?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?