“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again