HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.