I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.