Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.