Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”