I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.