Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
You Might Also Like
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?