Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park