The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?