My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
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This woman is my idol. Free her.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*