Basketball games are very squeaky.
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Duck typos.