“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
You had me at “define legal”.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out