Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
plums roundup
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.