Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Horrifying if literal: shit storm