[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked