Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*pronounces fake like saké*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”