What kind of a cult is this?
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
This fish is cracking me up
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
A family that plays together cheats.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.