I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang