the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I support this random dude and all his protests
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.