Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You鈥檙e ready. Here is your baby.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it鈥檚 sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
You鈥檇 think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I鈥檒l handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it鈥檚 my birthday 馃檪
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn鈥檛)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I鈥檓 just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G鈥檔ight. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he鈥檚 going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Me: I鈥檓 just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me: I think you鈥檙e going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?