Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.